Why I Never Gave Them Pens
by Yandoryn
Summary: Pure crack, y'all. What would happen if the characters themselves wrote fanfiction. Will contain yuri, yaoi, and het, most likely.
1. Edward Elric

**My first fanfiction**

By Edward Elric

Colonel Bastard made me go into the office again today. Well, didn't make me. I could take him any day. So I decided to go into the office. I could see the eyes on my body as I walked from the dorms to HQ and they didn't end when I stepped into his office.

I put my hand on my hips and stared down at him.

The man seemed momentarily speechless, but I could see the lust in his eyes. He was too short for me, so I didn't even bother recognizing his obvious love for my tall, lean body. "Okay, you bastard," I said to his face, knowing he couldn't do anything about it. "What do you want?"

Roy sighed deeply and looked at me, carefully avoiding my black leather pants, which were tight due to my size, even when I wasn't erect. "I don't have a date tonight, Fullmetal," he said eventually, licking his dry lips.

"Fuck, why would I care, bastard?" I asked. He wasn't that bad looking. He certainly didn't deserve the title of Colonel Sexy I sometimes heard behind his back, but he looked like he could be a good fuck. I'm sure I'm better, though.

"Want to go out some time?" Roy asked, trying to use that smooth tone he used when picking up women, but failing, due to my innate sexiness.

"Like when?" I asked. "I've got a couple of dates tonight... And they're all better looking, too..."

Roy blanched, the mounds of paperwork he couldn't even do falling to the floor. I looked at the clock and smiled. "I'll make you a deal," I said, sitting on his desk.

"A deal?" Roy asked, swallowing hard.

"I can't go out with you," I told him, smiling sultrily. "Well, not for the next two months at least."

"And?" Roy managed, obviously upset.

"But it's lunch break and we could fuck on your desk."

Roy stared at me, obviously growing hard at my words. "Al-Alright," he said.

"But I get to tie you up," I told him, playing with his black hair.

He moaned wantonly at that, shifting in his chair. "Fullmetal," he moaned.

"No," I told him, placing a finger on his lips, which he sucked on greedily. "You'll call me Fuhrer Elric."

The sex wasn't bad, but damn, that man was too short to have proper sex. Couldn't he do anything right?


	2. Roy Mustang

**Just an average day...**

by Roy Mustang

So I'm sitting here, not doing my paperwork of course, and one of Havoc's bimbo girlfriends comes into the office. I'm only slightly distracted by her short skirt, but it looks like Havoc could only pick up a mediocre girl. I'll work on stealing her later. It won't take much work, but it's a lot of work not doing my work.

Well, sort of.

Hawkeye came over to me, right before my lunch break. I afforded a sneak up her miniskirt. She didn't say anything, but I was sure she saw. She slammed some more work I could avoid (give it to another department?) on my desk and asked when I'd be done with last weeks work.

I smiled at her and she went weak at the knees. "I'll make sure it gets done," I told her. She must have been slightly uncomfortable with the situation because she left.

Or she was just gay.

I'm sure I can turn her straight then.

I always scheduled myself a lenient lunch break; that's one of the nice things about being Fuhrer. I was about to leave when Fullmetal forced himself into my office, very angry. He seemed to have a piece of paper in his hand as he yelled at me. I tried to pay attention, but he was so short, it was hard to hear him.

"Fullmetal," I said eventually. "What's wrong?"

"This—this order!" he managed, looking up at me.

"What order?" I asked grinning, knowing suddenly what he was talking about.

Edward just glared at me, ripping his triplicate down the center. "The new uniform."

"Oh, well, the women of the army have to wear miniskirts now," I said, trying to get past the rabid alchemist.

"I'M NOT A WOMAN!" he spluttered. I looked down to see the miniskirt on the young man. It looked nice.

"You are in my bed," I told him with a purr.


	3. Alphonse Elric

**Brother And I**

by Alphonse Elric

Brother finally understands. We've been together for so long; together since mum died really, but now, he finally understands.

When we got my body back, we moved out of the dorms because Brother quit the military. We got a small apartment in East City and Brother has been studying alchemy on his own. I do most of the house cleaning and cooking and stuff. Brother says I look good in an apron.

So I take care of the domestic chores and Brother studies and does good things for people. That's what alchemy's all about. Sometimes, Brother takes me with him and we help people together. Most of the time, though, we're at home.

When I'm done with the dishes and cleaning and straightening and sweeping, I can normally find Brother in the study.

I sit with him for a while, but we always end up making our way to the sofa to cuddle. I love the feeling of Brother's hands on my waist, playing with the tie on my apron. But even though we're closer than any two brothers, he still didn't understand.

But he finally does.

Mimi's in my lap right now, a small black and white kitten. Either Brother's too tired from last night to argue, or he's finally realized how good kittens are.

I hope it's the latter. He's leaning against me, his hand on top of mine and this is perfect. This is family. Brother, I, and Mimi.

Only, Mimi's not allowed in the bedroom sometimes.


	4. Envy SPOILERS

**THIS CONTAINS END OF SERIES SPOILERS LIKE WHOA BECAUSE ENVY SAYS HE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE END OF FMA.**

** Family Reunion**

by Envy

The problem with humans is two-fold. One, they're easily tricked. I mean, look at all the fools she's pulled into making Philosopher's Stones.

Two? They easily die.

That short alchemist and his tin-can brother were easy to lure to the town square. Just give out a few fake Philosopher's Stone's via Lust and watch as rumor's spread like wildfire.

Getting Hohenheim to come was a bit harder. But you know, family reunions are worth it. 'Dante'll be here, square things off finally...' Well, he came and that's what matters.

Family Reunion... first in a couple of hundred years or something. Elrics in a square, Al talking to Ed, running into Hohenheim.

I watch from a distance, looking as Ed's eyes go wide then narrow at the recognition of his father. Snappy comments tossed back and forth, oh how like those with the Elric bloodline.

Cue my entrance.

Trisha Elric completes the family and is the obvious choice. The look on Edward's face is priceless, but 'daddy' looks angry.

"Envy," he growls, but I respond by quickly removing the armored brother's helmet, my hand rubbing lovingly on the blood seal, smiling his lover's smile at him. His face goes pale in a moment and he steps forward.

"Envy," he manages again. "Please don't do that. What do you want?"

"I want you to stop acting like a fucking happy family," I told him. "I'm the son you wanted, remember?"

The short alchemist, never meant to be the one cared for stared at me confused and Hohenheim sighs. "Envy," he said for the third time. "Take your hand off of Alphonse."

The armor is almost still below me, shaking so still it feels like vibration below my fingers. "Alphonse?" I asked coyly, looking into the armor. "My son doesn't seem to be in here..."

Inhuman strength broke the blood seal in half, the armor in front of my feminine frame sagging and falling to the ground, soulless.

I couldn't even count to three before the short alchemist was clawing at my ankles, surely unable to even reach my torso. He told me how he was going to kill me and lovely things like that.

"How?" I asked him, his mother's eyes staring down at him.

The short blonde's mouth went dry and I watched in satisfaction as his hands fell from my body. I pulled back from the broken metal at my feet, straightening my clothes. "Edward," I said in that soft feminine voice Hohenheim loved so much.

I snuck a look at my father, his eyes staring at the immobile armor on the ground. Distracted enough. First I touched Ed's hair softly with one hand, my second hand connecting solidly with his jaw. I watched as he fell to the ground.

That, apparently, father couldn't take.

He grabbed my hair, the hair so much like the only woman he ever loved. "Do you think you can kill me like that, love?" I asked, watching Edward spit blood.

"Don't touch him," Hohenheim said.

"What? Did you find some non-existent piece of my body or something?" I teased, leaning in to kiss the bastard, unsettling him enough to rip a hole through his rotting neck, the blood streaming down his body and over my fingers.

The short pest may not have liked his father, but apparently I had gone to far. He spit out a tooth with some blood and stood up, walking over to me. I dropped the body and held out my arms like any mother, only I was flecked with blood and flesh.

The situation was incongruous to him, though the short little alchemist had certainly felt pain in his life.

"You never deserved his love," I told Edward, grabbing his ponytail.

The sudden change in power seemed to unnerve him. "What do you mean, bitch?" he asked, struggling lightly as I pulled him up off his feet. "He doesn't love me."

"More than I," I said, touching his chest lovingly before pulling his hand back and punching it in, grabbing Ed's hard, feeling it pump sticky blood a few times over my hand.

Everyone in the square was gone by this point and I dropped Edward Elric's heart on the ground, leaving it to rot.

The first and last family reunion of the Elric family was finished.


	5. Gluttony

_sigh This takes a bit of explanation. See, I didn't want Gluttony ANYWHERE near my computer, but he wanted to write some fanfiction. So Lust is typing for the loveable guy. Bear with them._

**Title Eaten**

by Gluttony

I asked Lust if I could eat him. She said okay.

I asked Lust if I could eat everyone else. She sighed and I felt sad but then she said okay so I did and I'm happy now.

No one is going to try and hurt us because no one is hear. Well, they are. I ate them, though.

No, I didn't say that Lust! No, stop typing. Oh well... Now it's me and Lust and we're happy and she says I can eat stuff because I ate Dante and we don't need red stones or something.

I just like to eat and have Lust touch me.

The end?

NO QUESTION MARK. Can I eat it?


	6. Maes Hughes

**May I Have a Photograph?**

by Maes Hughes

"Maes!" Roy exclaimed, stopping in the middle of the hall when he saw me. He grabbed my arm for extra emphasis. "I heard you got new pictures of Elysia!"

I nodded, hand automatically going to my wallet. "Gracia too!"

"Oh, can I see them?" my best friend begged.

"Of course," I said, going through my latest pieces.

Roy watched intently, oohing and ahhing at my daughter and wife. "Doesn't she have the cutest little fingers?" I asked him.

"She does!" Roy agreed. "Do you have an extra copy of this one?"

"Just for you!" I said. "But don't tell anyone I gave you one! I know Armstrong's been wanting more pictures for a while and I just don't have enough to go around..."

"Well they can always come to you!" Roy told me.

"And they do!" I laughed. "You coming to dinner tonight?

Roy nodded. "Eight o'clock right?"

I nodded in return. "Gracia's making her soup."

"Then I won't be late!" Roy laughed. "You're such a good family man!"

I rolled my eyes, knowing I needed to end our conversation. "Roy... you need to..."

"Get a wife?" Roy asked, his eyes sparkling. "Guess who said yes?"

"You're getting married?" I asked, grabbing Roy's shoulder.

Roy nodded.

"Bring her to dinner," I demanded. "We'll be the best two families in Central."


	7. Major Alex Louis Armstrong

**Uniforms  
**by Major Alex Louis Armstrong, in the style of the Armstrongs before him

"I heard you plan on changing the womens' uniforms a bit, Fuhrer Mustang," I said, flashing the Prestigious Friend a trademark Armstrong smile, complete with Pearly Whites.

My innate, sparking personality must have caught him off guard, because he stepped a few feet back, blatant fear in his eyes. But once he recognized me, I pulled my Gracious Liege close for a hug of bonding. After he had gone limp from the overwhelming sense of Brotherhood, I let him go, watching as he began to gape open mouthed at me. "I heard you plan on changing the womens' uniforms a bit," I repeated, making sure my initial message had gotten across.

"Yes," Our Noble Fuhrer said eventually, giving me a weak grin. "I plan on making them wear miniskirts."

I clasped the Benevolent Man to me in a Fraternal Bond again, but let go before Subtext could go to his head. After all, the Armstrong Family is known for its strength AND beauty. "I am so glad to hear that," I gushed, using the talent of brown-nosing passed down the generations. "My baby sister has been thinking of joining the Services, but just couldn't imagine wearing that ugly uniform!"

I watched our Graced Leader think for a moment, and I couldn't resist a sparkle as he assured me he would alter the uniforms. After a few more moments of impeccable Armstrong Kiss-Ass, mainly speaking of the Beauty of my sister's... Soul, I got to the point.

"I was wondering if you could alter the mens' uniforms a bit as well," I suggested innocently, knowing I, like every Armstrong, had the ability to force people into agreeing with me before they knew the subject.

"How so?" Our Illustrious Savior asked, just as I had expected.

"Just make a few things optional?" I asked lightly, smiling at him, sparkling generously.

By the next morning I had, like a True Armstrong, gotten the womens' skirts regulation at four centimeters above the knee and the mens' shirts and jackets optional.

It would be a Sin not to use the Talents passed down by the Armstrong Generations.


	8. Jean Havoc

_Rivalry  
_by Jean Havoc

She knew she had made a mistake the moment I shut the door and valiantly made my way to the car. I knew she'd come around eventually. Katherine Armstrong just seemed to be one of those girls to me.

So I smoothly slid into the car they had brought, ignoring the probing questions of my comrades for the time being. I knew all about their little bet. As I shut the door, I jostled my pocket, "accidentally" dropping one of my few business cards right next to the tracks the car dug into the ground as we pulled away from that mansion.

The men told me repeatedly I deserved the day off after being denied so rudely, but I told them the office needed me, so I'd go into work anyway. I'm sure they watched my visage as I pulled open the car door, standing straight and tall as I walked into headquarters, not even bothering to say hello to that cute receptionist who sits at the front desk.

"My paperwork?" I asked Lieutenant Hawkeye as I made my way into the room, giving her a smile. She dumped the rather important papers into my hands and I thanked her, going over to my desk.

I only looked at the phone twice; I was most certainly not waiting for it to ring. I did, however, hear the sickening noise of a phone ringing from Colonel Mustang's office, my superior and rival in the wooing of women.

"Hello?" the enemy said in a haughty voice just ripe with hubris.

I lit a cigarette, watching the slightly ajar door with slit eyes.

"No, this is Colonel Mustang," he said. "Must have dialed the wrong extension? Would you like me to transfer you?"

'Transfer?' I thought, blinking. Colonel Mustang was going to _transfer_ her to me? I bit my lip, rolling this cigarette between my fingers. I picked up the phone after two rings and said in a professional voice, "Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc."

"Havoc!" a boisterous voice on the other side of the phone proclaimed. "This is Major Armstrong!"

I practically wilted into my chair, taking a drag on the cigarette, gripping the arm of my chair, before answering. "Oh, Major, can I help you?"

"You must have been in such a hurry," he said, laughing. "Because you dropped nearly all your cards right by the car!"

"Oh, I must have," I said, trying to keep sullen disappointment out of my voice. "So that's why you called?"

"Yes and no," the sparkly man said. "See, Katherine came up to me after you left and said she felt terrible saying no to you like that. She wants to see you. Friday night."

A Friday night date. The Colonel didn't even have one yet! One up on him. I smiled slowly. "How about eight o'clock?" I said, keeping the rising ecstasy out of my voice.

"That's what she said!" he laughed. "Well, Havoc, I ought to be going to the Armstrong family croquet game! I'll be seeing you when you pick her up, yes?"

"Oh, I'm sure," I said vaguely, fumbling for a new pack of cigarettes. "Goodbye, Major." I hung the phone up, smiling to myself. I walked over to Colonel Mustang's door, knocking sharply, the door swinging open further.

"Colonel?" I asked, looking inside.

"Oh," Roy said, waking up, patting his paperwork as if he was actually working. "What did Major Armstrong want?"

"Oh, it wasn't really him, you know," I said, sitting down on the sofa. "He just wanted to make sure my date this Friday was going to be fine."

I swear I saw jealousy on his face for just a moment. It was a victory to be savored.


	9. Yoki

_A Hero's Reception  
_by Lt. Yoki

I had been unjustly routed from the Youswell Mines and the only thing I could think of is how to rightly return myself to the prestigious Amestrian military after just a cruel and wicked trick. Some told me that hubris caused my fall from Youswell, but it was a careful look into the future, my future, and how I would be able to support myself in the deserved lavish I had come to expect. How could I let a young child, already so wise in the areas of bribes and politics best me in the game I had played for so long to gain so little.

It wasn't a question of revenge, you see. I just needed to teach that State Alchemist a bit of a lesson. Show him what happens when young children meddle in the adult game of politics.

It took years to get back on my feet. Well, you couldn't really call living in a refugee camp "back on my feet." The meals were scavenged for, not brought to you on a plate. And garnish was _not_ something you wanted.

But it all changed with a simple identification.

See, I've always prided myself on my eyes. I can pick out a criminal easily, even from a large throng with no identification specs out on them yet. See, I just can tell another shady character with an easy glance.

So when I saw this scarred man, it was apparent enough he'd done something atrocious, even before I'd heard of the terrible crimes he had committed in Central and East City.

I didn't ask for any parade, medal, or admittance to the military, but I didn't say no either. It wasn't long after becoming a hero for state that I passed up that child _and_ his CO.

Laughing from above him seemed to be treatment enough.


	10. Winry Rockbell

_Power  
_by Winry Rockbell

"This!" I said, my hands pressed up against the glass case, staring up at it. "This, this, this!"

Edward stepped back, looking at the most beautiful wrench in the world. The only wrench able to reduce me completely to tears from a single glint of sun across it's beveled edge...

And of course Edward had to break my beautiful dream with simple practicality. "That's expensive," he said. "Don't think you can afford that, Winry."

I took my hands off the glass case, placing them carefully on my hips, watching him, wiping the tears of joy the wrench had brought so easily into my eyes, glaring at him. "You!" I said emphatically, stepping forward, my own wrench in my hand, comfortable between my palm and forefinger. "You i promised /i me that you'd buy me something here!"

One, two, three steps forward and Alphonse was between us, begging me not to hurt Edward. I narrowed my eyes and looked up at him. "He i promised /i ," I repeated to Al.

Al visibly cringed, clanking back, leaving only about a meter between the older Elric and my wrench.

Suddenly, I smiled, grabbing Ed's wrist. Watery puppy dog eyes carefully aded to the mix and I dragged him over to the display. "Just think of how quickly I could repair your automail with this!" I said jubilantly.

It was a question of who could last longer.

Edward may be strong, but in the grips of Rockbell, he was too easily molded. Best wrench I ever owned.


End file.
